it really sucks

Can I be honest for a minute? You know what really sucks? Being a single, never been kissed, 31 year old, Mormon girl who now has to sit back and watch her 20 year old sister getting married. There. I said it.

It sucks.

Big time.

And don't give me that bull$h!t about how I'm "not alone" and "somewhere there's someone out there for me", and I'm "awesome" unless you want me to punch you in the face. That condescending crap is just that. Crap. It doesn't make me feel better. It only makes me feel worse about myself and the situation. If I were really so "awesome" I wouldn't be crying every night. Alone. Now would I? Obviously I'm not awesome. And I'm not sure I believe anymore that there really is anyone out there just waiting for me. If he is...how the hell am I supposed to find him?? I spend all my time at work, sitting in a cubical, tied to a computer, doing solitary work. I go to a women's gym three days a week. I go to an institute class one a week where I'm pretty sure I'm at least 10 years older than everyone in the class. I may even be older than the instructor. I go to church in a family ward where half the congregation is over the age of 50 and the other half is married with multiple children.  I would go to a mid-singles ward, but apparently those are frowned upon form here in AZ. Plus, since we're being honest here...That wouldn't really make me feel any better about thus whole situation. Being one of those "weirdo" over 30 people who can't seem to fulfill their divine potential by finding an eternal companion is hard enough without having to deal with all the really weird people who go to those wards.

I hate feeling so awkward about myself all the time, I hate feeling like, despite all the things I've done and accomplished in my life, I'm still not good enough.  I hate putting myself out there time and again only to be rejected  and have my not awesome status shoved in my face. I'm so tired of being alone. I know the grass is always greener on the other side and being married won't automatically solve all my problems but is it so much to ask to just have someone love me? To know that I really am awesome enough to have someone want to spend time with me?