Things I've learned over the last nine months:
-You can only make life-changing changes for yourself. You can't do them for anyone else. If you're not ready to make a change for YOU, you won't stick to it and you'll never finish. You have to make the committment internally before anything externally will change. I've stopped and started so many exercise and diet programs over the last 15 years, but I was never fully committed to any of them, because I wasn't making the changes for myself. This time I am and it's making all the difference.
-You need a good support system. I love each of my friends and family, but honestly guys...sometimes you suck as a support system. I've made some HUGE changes in my life when it comes to how and what I'm eating. A lot of the time you're really good at understanding and supporting me, but sometimes it really hurts when I've explained what I'm doing and why, and yet you undermine my efforts by telling me I'm "crazy", or "weird", or offering me things that you know I'm choosing not to eat anymore. It makes me feel like you don't really care about me, because you're trying to pull me back down when I'm trying so hard to climb this incredibly hard mountain. I appreciate all the times you are supportive and hope that you'll continue to cheer me on this journey.
-You need to have clear and attainable goals. Yes, my overall goal is huge: 140 pounds, but I'm not focusing on that. That's on the horizon. What I focus on is smaller weekly and monthly goals. When I started back in January I told myself all I have to do is lose 10 pounds a month and go to the gym three days a week. That's easy! I can totally do that! Before you know it, you've lost 40, 50, 60, 70! pounds and now I'm working out 6 days a week. So awesome!
When I originally made this lifestyle change, I thought I would be farther along this road by now than I currently am. if I had stuck with my "lose 10 pounds a month" goal I should be close to 100 pounds lost by now. However, I'm still pretty freaking proud of myself for being where I am. It hasn't always been easy. In fact, sometimes it downright sucked. But I am starting to notice little things that make me happy and are helping to keep me motivated. For instance: I don't have to squish myself into a seat at the movie theatre--I actually have some extra room now! My towel now wraps around me and the edges touch--they don't overlap yet, but they will soon! My tight clothes are now really loose--time to go shopping again! I look forward to exercising and actually miss it when I don't do it! I can actually taste the food I'm eating and I love it--I don't have to doctor everything up with sugar, salt, cheese, or sauces, I like things plain with good spices so I can really enjoy it!
Another goal I made for losing weight and getting in shape, was the trip to Europe I went on this summer. I knew I had several long plane rides ahead of me and I didn't want to be squished and uncomfortable the whole way over and back. I also knew we were going to be walking a lot and didn't want to keel over and die of a heart attack the first day. I was still heavier than I would have liked to be when I went, but nowhere near where I had been, and I know if I hadn't been working out for the 6 months before I left I wouldn't have been able to do everything we did and enjoy the trip. One of the big accomplishments was I didn't have to struggle to get the seat belt on and, in fact, was able to even cinch it in some! That hasn't happened for a long time.
A big reason I had for making these changes is the fact that I'm still single. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter and I'm not pretty enough, or good enough, for someone to want to get to know me. I know there are many variables involved with meeting, dating, and finding the right person to marry. Some of them I can control and some of them I can't. One of the ones I can control is how I look and trying to be as attractive as possible to the opposite sex. Being 150 pounds overweight wasn't really helping matters any in that regard. So I decided to change some of the things I could about myself. I'm still a long way to my goal, but I feel better about myself and how I look today than I have in a really long time. The old adage of "before you love someone else you have to love yourself first" comes to mind a lot. I'm working on loving myself more. It's hard after too many years to count of feeling like a failure and big, fat, worthless nobody, but I'm working on changing my inner-speak and recognizing all the good things about myself. I haven't really been able to look at myself in the mirror for a long time because I didn't like what I saw there. That is slowly starting to change as I'm striving to accept and be happy with who I am.
There have been times over the last nine months that I've wanted to give up. There have been weeks where I've gone back to old habits and had to fight to get back on track. There have been days when I've questioned why I'm doing what I'm doing when everyone around me is enjoying all the things I used to enjoy. There are hours when I have to constantly battle my inner demons and struggle to hold onto the last threads of my willpower. But, I'm doing it! I'm learning to recognize my food issues and work towards breaking those habits and establishing new and better ones. I'm learning to listen to my body, and not my head, when it comes to when and what I should eat. I'm learning to be healthy and to enjoy life.
I still have a long ways to go, but I'm keeping the end goal in sight.
The last couple weeks, as I've struggled with some crazy, out of control hormones, and feeling depressed because I wasn't seeing as much movement on the scale as I wanted to and I thought about just giving up and throwing in the towel, this line from one of the Winnie the Pooh movies keeps repeating over and over in my head:
On those hungry days, when all I want to do is eat everything "bad" in sight, I keep reminding myself that I'm stronger than I seem. I can do it. I can say no to the sugar, carbs, chips, whatever it is. I'm better than that. I deserve better than that. And pretty soon I'm going to reach my goal and look back and marvel at what I've accomplished! I can't wait for that day.
2 comments:
So many great points! Thanks for sharing! I was pretty overweight at the end of high school and until my senior year of college (or I should just say year 4 of 6 lol). Anyway, I wanted guys to notice me but then I realized once I was starting to get closer to my goal and people started noticing me but I wasn't going on dates, I started to self sabotage. I knew what it was to be fat. That's "comfortable". I didn't know what it was to be skinny and go on dates and be noticed. I used to joke that I was the only person at BYU that didn't get asked out on a date. After a lot of reflection I realized that I was scared to be skinny and still not be noticed. I don't know if that's something that you will go through, but it was something that I had to deal with so it may be something to look out for.
I know I haven't been great at supporting you. And for that I'm sorry. I don't think you're crazy or weird. I am SO PROUD of you!!!! You have accomplished great things and you have more to go. I wish I had half the strength you have. Keep going!!! You can do it!!!
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