cheese nips and a paid companion

I had two different thoughts today.

Thought #1: Cheese Nips

The last couple days I've been having a craving for these salty, cheesy squares of deliciousness. I went to the store yesterday after work when it became apparent that my craving wasn't going to go away until satisfied. Today as I ate the first nip I was reminded of a another time that always comes to mind when I eat this snack.

When my family lived in Oregon, our ward moved to a new building that was built in the stake. This new building was about 30 minutes away from our house. Dad was in the Bishopric and had other callings that meant he had to stay after church was done for one meeting or another. Since the building was so far away, the rest of us waited for him to be done. My mom started bringing a box of Cheese Nips (or Cheezits) as a snack and this soon became a tradition. Sunday Cheese Nips. Not the most healthy of snacks, but I smile everytime I think about sharing a box of Cheese Nips with my mom and siblings as we sat in our old grey and blue Suburban (Hank the Tank) on Sunday afternoons while we waited for Dad to be done with his meetings.

Thought #2: A paid companion

I have been reading a lot of books recently that have been set in Regency England (aka Jane Austen era) I love this period in history. I love the romance, the clothes, the way men behaved. The book I'm reading currently ("A Change of Heart" by Candice Hearn) has a heroine who is single and 29. I find myself connecting with her and her feelings of "being on the shelf." In that time I, like her, would be considered far past our prime and very settled as spinsters--all hopes of procuring a smart match (or any match at all) gone. The only difference between myself and the heroine of the book (besides the fact that she ultimately finds love) is that in her day in age she had to have a paid companion with her at all times because it was unacceptable for a single woman to live alone.

Perhaps I should get a paid companion? It would certainly prevent me from becoming a crazy cat lady and dying all alone...

tender mercy

I woke up this morning with a song stuck in my head. It's one I like and listen to on a mix CD I made about a year ago, but I haven't heard it recently so it was kind of a surprise to have the words and music going through my head while I was in the shower.

"What song?" You ask.

I will tell you in a moment. After explaining something else that happened today.

As you may, or may not, know, I have had my picture and profile up on different dating sites for the last almost 10 years (yes, you read that right: 10 years). I started with LDSmingle, then tried LDSsingles, went back to mingle, then branched out to eharmony (hated it) and finally match.com. Currently I have my profile up on match and LDSmingle and a couple other ones I can't remember right now. What have my 10 years of online dating gotten me?

1 broken heart

1 horribly awkward date

1 fun date with a guy I never heard from again

Countless email and IM conversations

1 text conversation that never went anywhere and made me mad

and a slowly, yet steadily declining sense of self-esteem

It's one thing to not have anyone you interact with in daily life find you attractive. It's another thing entirely to know that millions of men the world over are viewing your picture every day and passing you over. It's torture. And I'm not sure why I do it to myself.

Actually, that's a lie.

I do know why I do it. Because, as much as it hurts, I refuse to let go of my hope that the right guy is out there. No matter how many email conversations to nowhere, or awkward dates, or guys who are old enough to be my dad "winking" at me, I can't let go of the belief that he's out there. Somewhere. If I do I will crumble. I will completely fall apart and become so depressed and such an emotional wreck that I'll have to be committed.

I have to keep hoping.

I have to keep believing and putting my faith in God and His promises to me to the test.

I don't know if I'll actually meet Mr. Right online, but I don't want to miss any opportuinty of finding him, or of having him find me.

Today, while at work, I received a text alert that someone had sent me a "wink" on match.com. I eagerly pulled up his profile, hope flaring to life that maybe this was it. Could it finally be him? My own Prince Charming?

His profile picture greets me and I'm surprised. He's hot. Why is he winking at me? A lifetime of being rejected has made me question the sanity and intent of any guy who does show interest. I look at his other pictures (again wondering why he's chosen me) and read his profile. He lives close. He's in my age range. He's employed. He has a college degree. He likes music, going to concerts, vacationing in Cali, loves his family, and has never been married.

There's just one problem.

He's a "social drinker" and is not a member of the Church.

My heart sinks. There's always something that keeps any of them from being perfect. Don't get me wrong, I know no one is actually perfect but somewhere out there is the guy who is perfectly imperfect for me.

I start debating with myself whether or not to reply to him. He's cute! What could be the harm in winking back? It probably won't lead to anything anyway. What if it does? What if he wants to meet or go out on a date? You marry who you date. I don't want to marry someone who doesn't share my religious beliefs and convictions. "Flirt to convert." Remember how I suck at flirting? You're almost 30. Kind of running out of time...I'm not that desperate. Yes, you are.

Then, the song I had woken up sinking this morning came back to mind.

I ain't settlin'

For just getting by.

I've had enough so-so

For the rest of my life.

Tired of shooting too low,

So raise the bar high.

"Just enough" ain't enough this time.

I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything

I've watching too many friends the last couple years settle. I don't want to settle and miss the chance of getting everything. My perfectly imperfect Prince Charming will be a Latter-day Saint. He will share my beliefs and convictions. He will be able to take me to the temple. He will be able to bless my babies in church and lead and guide our family with the priesthood.

Elder Bednar gave his oft-quoted General Conference talk about the "Tender Mercies" of the Lord in April 2005. Some may say this was just a random coincidence that I woke up singing a song that then came back to mind to help me make a decision later in the day, but to me it was a tender mercy. A gentle reminder of what can be mine and a renewal of my conviction to not settle. Some may say I'm being too picky, but I don't think so. I've seen the heartache that can come from a husband and wife being divided on different topics. Marriage is hard enough (or so I've heard) without starting out by being on opposite sides of the fence religiously. I don't want that. So I will wait and continue to put myself through the torture of online dating until I find my perfectly imperfect Prince Charming.

i know

I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES

Lyrics: Samuel Medley

I know that my Redeemer lives;

What comfort this sweet sentence gives!

He lives, He lives, who once was dead;

He lives, my ever living Head.

He lives to bless me with His love,

He lives to plead for me above.

He lives my hungry soul to feed,

He lives to help in time of need.

He lives to grant me rich supply,

He lives to guide me with His eye,

He lives to comfort me when faint,

He lives to hear my soul's complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears,

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart,

He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly Friend.

He lives and loves me to the end;

He lives, and while He lives, I'll sing.

He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath;

He lives, and I shall conquer death.

He lives my mansion to prepare,

He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives! All glory to His name!

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

He lives! All glory to His name!

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

30 day challenge - Day 30

Day 30: A picture of someone you miss

I've been thinking about this one for a couple days and I decided to change it to "a picture of someone you're going to miss."

My roomie Katy. She has found her Prince Charming and is getting married next month. I will miss living with her. She is one of a select few who gets me and lets me be my crazy self with no judgment.

Okay, with only a little bit of judgment.

We've had a lot of fun times together and a lot of laughs over the last year and a half. I'm going to miss her when she's gone.

30 day challenge - Day 29

Day 29: A picture that can always make you smile

I love these boys. And this picture makes me smile every time I see it. They're just so cute!!

meet vincent

Everyone, this is Vincent.

Vincent, this is everyone. Say hi! :)

30 day challenge - Day 28

Day 28: A picture of something you're afraid of

Octupii! They creep. Me. Out.

I'm convinced that cepholopods are going to take over the world one day. They are smarter than we all give them credit for. They're just waiting for us to turn our backs and then: WHAM! They're going to start crawling out of the ocean and begin their take-over of the human race.

Just wait. It's coming.

We all need to remain vigilant. Don't let the tiny ones fool you. You might think they're cute, but that's just part of their plan of world domination--a way to lull us into a false sense of security.

The only good octopus is a one made out of cake. Can you believe this is a cake?!? If I wasn't compeltely terrified, I would almost want to have that as my next birthday cake.

Almost.

I'm not sure when my fear of cepholopods began. Maybe the first time I watched "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea?" I think it was when I was watching some documentary on PBS years ago about these creatures. An aquarium was having issues with fish in one of their tanks dying. They tested the water for bacteria. Nothing. They made sure all the ph levels were correct. They were. They tested the fish to make sure they were healthy. No sickness. As a last resort, they set up a camera in the lobby (where the fish tank was) to see if someone was coming in at night and sabbatoging the tanks. What they captured on film has haunted my nightmares ever since.

On the opposite side of the lobby from the mysteriously dying fish, was a tank containing a single octopus. At night, that octopus would crawl up the side of it's tank, OUT OF THE WATER, make it's way across the floor, then crawl up and into the fish tank and begin feasting.

OH.

MY.

HECK!!

After a leisurly dinner, this sneaky cepholopod would then make it's way back to it's own tank and go about business as usual.