Can I be honest for a minute? You know what really sucks? Being a single, never been kissed, 31 year old, Mormon girl who now has to sit back and watch her 20 year old sister getting married. There. I said it.
It sucks.
Big time.
And don't give me that bull$h!t about how I'm "not alone" and "somewhere there's someone out there for me", and I'm "awesome" unless you want me to punch you in the face. That condescending crap is just that. Crap. It doesn't make me feel better. It only makes me feel worse about myself and the situation. If I were really so "awesome" I wouldn't be crying every night. Alone. Now would I? Obviously I'm not awesome. And I'm not sure I believe anymore that there really is anyone out there just waiting for me. If he is...how the hell am I supposed to find him?? I spend all my time at work, sitting in a cubical, tied to a computer, doing solitary work. I go to a women's gym three days a week. I go to an institute class one a week where I'm pretty sure I'm at least 10 years older than everyone in the class. I may even be older than the instructor. I go to church in a family ward where half the congregation is over the age of 50 and the other half is married with multiple children. I would go to a mid-singles ward, but apparently those are frowned upon form here in AZ. Plus, since we're being honest here...That wouldn't really make me feel any better about thus whole situation. Being one of those "weirdo" over 30 people who can't seem to fulfill their divine potential by finding an eternal companion is hard enough without having to deal with all the really weird people who go to those wards.
I hate feeling so awkward about myself all the time, I hate feeling like, despite all the things I've done and accomplished in my life, I'm still not good enough. I hate putting myself out there time and again only to be rejected and have my not awesome status shoved in my face. I'm so tired of being alone. I know the grass is always greener on the other side and being married won't automatically solve all my problems but is it so much to ask to just have someone love me? To know that I really am awesome enough to have someone want to spend time with me?
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
sisters day
Yesterday I spent the day with my sisters. It was awesome! Mom and Dad are gone this weekend. They went up to Utah because Grandpa Matsen is getting an award from the Utah Technology Convention (or something like that), and since they were up there, they decided to go to a BYU game today (Saturday) and have a weekend away together. The girls and I decided to spend the day together and it was fun. :)
First, we all slept in.
Then we got up, ate breakfast, got ready, and watched the pilot episode for the new TV series "Once Upon a Time in Wonderland" which was on Thursday night.
It was....interesting. I'm not sure, yet, exactly how I feel about it. I HATE the chick who plays the Red Queen. She is a horrible actress. The Knave of Hearts, however, is hilarious and I love him.
After watching Wonderland, we left the house. Our first stop: lunch at PF Changs! We got Spring Rolls, which were awesome, and I ordered the Curry Coconut Vegetables, which were amazing! Seriously, so good!!
Next stop: we decided to stop in at a Goodwill we passed on our way to the restaurant. We were up in Scottsdale and thought, "Hey! I bet they have some really good stuff here!" I ended up finding a pair of gray slacks for work, a really pretty dark teal sweater, and 4 other shirts! Awesome!
We also found this shoes. Which we did NOT buy. LOL!
Then we went to: Butterfly Wonderland!
It's this awesome place up in Scottsdale that is the largest butterfly arboretum in America. The tickets are a little pricey ($22) but I was glad we went. It was so cool! First you watch a 15 minute 3D movie about the migration that Monarch butterflies do from Canada to Mexico. Then they have an "Emergence Room" where they have real caterpillar chrysalis and you can see butterflies emerging. It was so cool!! Then you get to finally go into the arboretum where butterflies are EVERYWHERE! I loved it! You walk around this indoor garden and the butterflies are all over the trees and flowers, flying around, and even landing on people! A really big, beautiful blue one landed on me. It was awesome!
After the arboretum there is a little cafe you can get a snack in, if you want, then they have a room with some nasty bugs in it: an ant colony, a bee hive, a desert scorpion, a tarantula, and other nasty things. *shudders* Then! They had an open tank with some little sting rays in it that you could touch!
They're so cute!! After a trip through the gift store (I got a cute little butterfly magnet) we left. I loved it! I've wanted to go to this place for a while and I'm glad the girls wanted to go with me.
The last stop in our day of shopping was Tempe Marketplace. Julia and I wanted to go to the running store there to get some real, legit, running shoes. They did this whole consultation thing where they look at how you run, what kind of arches you have, where you put your pressure when you stand, and the shape of your foot. Then they tell you what kind of shoe is best for your foot and gait, and make a custom insole! The girl that was helping us was really nice and personable. She had a lot of really great tips and tricks for us and really helped us pick out the exact right shoes. We ended up spending quite a bit of money ($225!) but it was so worth it. I'm excited to take them for their first run to see and feel the difference.
We got home about 6pm. We quickly ate some dinner, then headed over to the institute building because Faith's boyfriend, Josh, is in a little comedy troop that was doing a show for his single's ward activity. I was a little worried about it being stupid, but they were actually pretty funny. A couple of the guys made me laugh a lot. The only thing I didn't like was how old I felt being there. Besides the few bishopric members and their wives that were there, I was probably the oldest on in the room. Which I hate.
Besides, feeling my age, I had a great day! It was fun to be with my sisters and do so many fun things.
First, we all slept in.
Then we got up, ate breakfast, got ready, and watched the pilot episode for the new TV series "Once Upon a Time in Wonderland" which was on Thursday night.
It was....interesting. I'm not sure, yet, exactly how I feel about it. I HATE the chick who plays the Red Queen. She is a horrible actress. The Knave of Hearts, however, is hilarious and I love him.
After watching Wonderland, we left the house. Our first stop: lunch at PF Changs! We got Spring Rolls, which were awesome, and I ordered the Curry Coconut Vegetables, which were amazing! Seriously, so good!!
Next stop: we decided to stop in at a Goodwill we passed on our way to the restaurant. We were up in Scottsdale and thought, "Hey! I bet they have some really good stuff here!" I ended up finding a pair of gray slacks for work, a really pretty dark teal sweater, and 4 other shirts! Awesome!
We also found this shoes. Which we did NOT buy. LOL!
Then we went to: Butterfly Wonderland!
It's this awesome place up in Scottsdale that is the largest butterfly arboretum in America. The tickets are a little pricey ($22) but I was glad we went. It was so cool! First you watch a 15 minute 3D movie about the migration that Monarch butterflies do from Canada to Mexico. Then they have an "Emergence Room" where they have real caterpillar chrysalis and you can see butterflies emerging. It was so cool!! Then you get to finally go into the arboretum where butterflies are EVERYWHERE! I loved it! You walk around this indoor garden and the butterflies are all over the trees and flowers, flying around, and even landing on people! A really big, beautiful blue one landed on me. It was awesome!
Look at these HUGE moths!
They had a couple bowls of fruit salad out that the butterflies were loving
This was my new best friend
There were some big, pretty Koi in the pond
After the arboretum there is a little cafe you can get a snack in, if you want, then they have a room with some nasty bugs in it: an ant colony, a bee hive, a desert scorpion, a tarantula, and other nasty things. *shudders* Then! They had an open tank with some little sting rays in it that you could touch!
They're so cute!! After a trip through the gift store (I got a cute little butterfly magnet) we left. I loved it! I've wanted to go to this place for a while and I'm glad the girls wanted to go with me.
The last stop in our day of shopping was Tempe Marketplace. Julia and I wanted to go to the running store there to get some real, legit, running shoes. They did this whole consultation thing where they look at how you run, what kind of arches you have, where you put your pressure when you stand, and the shape of your foot. Then they tell you what kind of shoe is best for your foot and gait, and make a custom insole! The girl that was helping us was really nice and personable. She had a lot of really great tips and tricks for us and really helped us pick out the exact right shoes. We ended up spending quite a bit of money ($225!) but it was so worth it. I'm excited to take them for their first run to see and feel the difference.
We got home about 6pm. We quickly ate some dinner, then headed over to the institute building because Faith's boyfriend, Josh, is in a little comedy troop that was doing a show for his single's ward activity. I was a little worried about it being stupid, but they were actually pretty funny. A couple of the guys made me laugh a lot. The only thing I didn't like was how old I felt being there. Besides the few bishopric members and their wives that were there, I was probably the oldest on in the room. Which I hate.
Besides, feeling my age, I had a great day! It was fun to be with my sisters and do so many fun things.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
conference quotes
This weekend were two our of four of my favorite days of the year: General Conference! Below are some of the thoughts and quotes that stuck out to me, and which I definitely needed to hear.
"The blessings of conference come after conference is over." -Elder Hales
"Through His love, it is possible to change." -Elder Soarez
"God will keep his promises to you, as you honor your covenants with him." -Sister Stephens
"The blessing of tithing may be the ability to change our circumstances, rather than waiting for our circumstances to be changed by something, or someone, else." -Elder Bednar
"The past is to be lead from, not lived in.' -Elder Holland.
"The church would only be perfect if it was run by perfect people." -Pres. Uchtdorf
"Righteousness is more powerful than wickedness." -Elder Packer
"[A woman's] moral authority is vital." -Elder Christofferson
"You cannot lift others with virtue on one hand if you are entertaining vice on the other." -Elder Christofferson
"Opposition in all things is not a flaw in the plan." -Elder Dyches
"Hope is never lost." -Elder Holland
"If we don't take the time to be well, we will most assuredly take time later to be ill." -Elder Holland
"Live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show compassion one to another." -Elder Holland
"Life in families will test us. This is part of the plan." Pres. Eyring
"God has designed ways to save each of his children - sometimes that is placing them with a brother, a sister, or a grandparent." - Pres. Eyring
"The ultimate treasure on earth, and in heaven, is our children and posterity." -Elder Oakes
"We much do the work first, then we will gain a testimony of a principle and become converted to it." -Sister Oscarson
"Our ability to endure depends on the strength of our testimony and depth of our conversion." -Elder Maynes
"The Lord sees weaknesses differently than he does rebellion." -Elder Scott
"Fill your life with service to others." -Elder Scott
"Those who are able to face challenges and make it through, have made the gospel the center of their lives." -Pres. Monson
"We should not have to face adversities to turn to Him." -Pres. Monson
"The blessings of the priesthood are infinitely greater than the one asked to administer the gift." -Elder Andersen.
"The most important part of your [church] service is your own personal spiritual preparation." -Elder McConkie
"Don't neglect to look up." -Elder Ochoa
"Each day is a day of decision." -Elder Nelson
"Death is only premature for those who are not prepared to meet God." -Elder Nelson
Conference Themes:
The yoke of Christ is easy, and His burden is light
Personal conversion to the gospel
The importance of families
Change is possible through the Atonement
Gender is important to our eternal identity and purpose
Marriage is ordained of God and is between a man and a woman
"The blessings of conference come after conference is over." -Elder Hales
"Through His love, it is possible to change." -Elder Soarez
"God will keep his promises to you, as you honor your covenants with him." -Sister Stephens
"The blessing of tithing may be the ability to change our circumstances, rather than waiting for our circumstances to be changed by something, or someone, else." -Elder Bednar
"The past is to be lead from, not lived in.' -Elder Holland.
"The church would only be perfect if it was run by perfect people." -Pres. Uchtdorf
"Righteousness is more powerful than wickedness." -Elder Packer
"[A woman's] moral authority is vital." -Elder Christofferson
"You cannot lift others with virtue on one hand if you are entertaining vice on the other." -Elder Christofferson
"Opposition in all things is not a flaw in the plan." -Elder Dyches
"Hope is never lost." -Elder Holland
"If we don't take the time to be well, we will most assuredly take time later to be ill." -Elder Holland
"Live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show compassion one to another." -Elder Holland
"Life in families will test us. This is part of the plan." Pres. Eyring
"God has designed ways to save each of his children - sometimes that is placing them with a brother, a sister, or a grandparent." - Pres. Eyring
"The ultimate treasure on earth, and in heaven, is our children and posterity." -Elder Oakes
"We much do the work first, then we will gain a testimony of a principle and become converted to it." -Sister Oscarson
"Our ability to endure depends on the strength of our testimony and depth of our conversion." -Elder Maynes
"The Lord sees weaknesses differently than he does rebellion." -Elder Scott
"Fill your life with service to others." -Elder Scott
"Those who are able to face challenges and make it through, have made the gospel the center of their lives." -Pres. Monson
"We should not have to face adversities to turn to Him." -Pres. Monson
"The blessings of the priesthood are infinitely greater than the one asked to administer the gift." -Elder Andersen.
"The most important part of your [church] service is your own personal spiritual preparation." -Elder McConkie
"Don't neglect to look up." -Elder Ochoa
"Each day is a day of decision." -Elder Nelson
"Death is only premature for those who are not prepared to meet God." -Elder Nelson
Conference Themes:
The yoke of Christ is easy, and His burden is light
Personal conversion to the gospel
The importance of families
Change is possible through the Atonement
Gender is important to our eternal identity and purpose
Marriage is ordained of God and is between a man and a woman
Saturday, October 5, 2013
75 pounds!!
Holy crap! I've lost 75 pounds!!
I was not expecting that this morning when I stepped on the scale. The past week the scale hasn't moved a whole lot. I've lost more inches this week (due to walking and jogging more) than pounds, but that all changed today! I broke the 250 pound mark. I'm down to 248.8 - a total of 75.6 pounds!!
I was not expecting that this morning when I stepped on the scale. The past week the scale hasn't moved a whole lot. I've lost more inches this week (due to walking and jogging more) than pounds, but that all changed today! I broke the 250 pound mark. I'm down to 248.8 - a total of 75.6 pounds!!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
makes me laugh
Random quotes and pictures that have made me laugh over the last week or so...
Book quote: "There's never a masked ball around when you need one." -Daniel from Secrets of a Proper Lady
TV show quote: "That was a good use of time--a wardrobe change." -Hook from Once Upon A Time
Pics:
Book quote: "There's never a masked ball around when you need one." -Daniel from Secrets of a Proper Lady
TV show quote: "That was a good use of time--a wardrobe change." -Hook from Once Upon A Time
Pics:
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