Yesterday I wrote a blog post. It was very brutal and honest about what I am currently thinking and feeling about life. I was going to post it and let the chips fall where they may, however, I wisely decided to sleep on it before hitting the "publish" button. Today I am not posting what I wrote yesterday. I am keeping what I wrote and tucking it away somewhere privately, but what I wrote yesterday would have hurt and/or offended some people in my life and even though I am hurting right now, I don't want to hurt others.
Suffice it to say it's been a shitty week. Actually, it's been a shitty last six months, pardon my French.
I hate my life. I hate the way I feel all the time. I hate never being happy about anything. I hate the way I feel about others in my life. I hate being responsible for things that aren't my responsibility. I hate being constantly on the verge of tears and crying over any and everything all the time. I hate that I'm fat. I hate that I can't give up my addiction to sugar. I hate going to church every week. Basically I hate everything right now.
I put on my poker face everyday so no one knows but I'm tired of pretending all the damn time. I want to be happy, but I don't know how to anymore. It's all just a ruse. All I want to do is stay in my room with the door closed and the covers over my head. But I can't, so I push myself to do the things I have to each day, all the while being miserable and wanting to punch everyone I come in contact with for talking to me. I feel weak and overwhelmed, stressed and out of control. I am not in a good place right now and I haven't been for a long time.
